Weakness In Me - Melissa Etheridge

Everyday

Everyday the hole you left in my heart gets smaller, and even though the possibility of losing our friendship is like losing a part of me, it's getting easier. I realize that things can never be the same, we can never be what we once were to each other.

But for now, let me mourn that loss. Let me mourn the loss of a friend who was a mirror of myself, a friend  who understood me like no other friend ever has or ever will, whose friendship opened myself to others and to myself. So for now, I just need to survive this feeling where every breath feels like it is taking a piece of my heart away from my body. Where every breath hurts so much, it makes me want to cry. I'll heal. We'll both move on, and who knows, maybe someday, in the distant future, we can be those people who met on an outdoor patio and shared a single beer and laughed. Maybe. Someday.

I will miss you best friend. I will miss you more than you know.

This is that moment

So my husband and I went to the local bar yesterday, ostensibly to hang out with friends, but clearly to get our drink on. I had been DD on St. Patty's day, so my husband volunteered for the job last night.

5 mai- tai's later, I'm puking out of my passenger window, I've lost my glasses, and when I wake up the following "morning' (it is well past noon, but to me it is morning) I'm shaking and retching.

This is that moment, when my 27 year old self looks at my life and goes, "No. This is not it anymore."

Drinking has gotten old. I'm not 23 anymore, the drinking until you pass out game isn't fun or interesting anymore. And more often than not, it has gotten me into trouble.

I always wanted to believe that I controlled my drinking, but it is clear that after a night like last night, I'm not.

But I will be now. This is that moment when I stop boozing like a 23 year old and start making mature decisions, not ones driven by the peer pressure to drink.

zombies

I have this ridiculous fear of zombies.

As a biologist, I really do know better. I know the dead cannot reanimate, I know of no virus or infection that could cause "24 Days Later" kind of zombification.

However, every time I step out of my house at night (you see I live in the middle of nowhere now), I'm terrified something is going to jump out of the dark and try and eat me. I know it is bizarre, but that is my fear.

On a side note, I recently got married. Finally!

Everything was perfect, well. Kind of. I could have done without the rain (that moved our beautiful waterfall front ceremony to a tented ceremony), or having my face burned (which was completely accidental, but there is still a scar), or my uncle calling me fat, but other than that. It was perfect.

I was surprisingly calm, who would have thought it? But I was. Nothing phased me. And I couldn't stop smiling, which is how I was supposed to be. It was amazing.

as i knew it and random ponderings

so i'm moving to yucca valley this weekend to move into the rented house that me and fiance will call home for the next two years. and while there is this part of me that is excited and thrilled to finally be starting a life with him, there is a part of me that is terrified because everything will change now. i'm scared i will end up losing someone who means a great deal to me because of this distance. on the one hand i know that if i do lose this person, well then we were never very close to begin with and i valued the friendship more than the other person.

Pay Back

Willa: *scratch scratch scratch* Guess what?

Me: You want boiled chicken?

Willa: Yes!!! CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN!!!! wait, no that isn't it.

Me: You aren't getting boiled chicken.

Willa: Well . . . I'm going to start blowing my coat then.

Editor's Note: All that crap on the floor? That is Willa's fur.  . . and that was only the FIRST day of her 2 week shed cycle.